I feel so lost. This week I turn 29, and I honestly can’t decide if I’m happy or sad. And the fact that I can’t even decide how to feel just reiterates my lostness.
I’ve always had a complicated relationship with my age, but I’m starting to think that maybe that’s just the reality of your 20s as a whole. I feel like I’ve spent the last decade throwing different things at a wall, praying that something would stick. Filmmaker, marketer, writer, musician - I’ve always known I have creative potential, but I’ve always felt it’s never quite fully materialised.
But for a long time, that was fine. I had my 20s to work it out. I had a whole decade to follow my dreams.
On the subject of dreams: a few months ago, I was sitting in a coffee shop with my sister. I was venting to her about how I couldn’t afford rent, how none of my creative applications were panning out, and how overall, I was just feeling completely under the weather.
She looked at me and said, “Welcome to following your dreams.”
She had a point. Following your dreams is romanticised as this beautiful, chaotic, fun adventure. But my actual experience? It’s been laden with financial stress, anxiety, and a general, nagging sense that I’m never doing enough.
At the same time, I look at my friends in corporate jobs, and the one reassuring takeaway is that I don’t want that lifestyle. I’ve even dabbled in the corporate world myself, so I know for a fact it’s not for me. So why, then, am I still filled with so much doubt?
The doubt used to feel fun, too. It used to be exciting that there was all this potential waiting to be unleashed, that there were multiple roads and lives you could live, and you were still young enough to chase them. I know dreams don’t die when you get older, but I’m starting to get the sense that life is moving on and there’s so much I want to do. But maybe that’s just the reality of living - never quite achieving full-potential but always trying.
There’s a saying - I can’t remember who said it, maybe Mark Twain - that goes: “Most men die at 27, we just bury them at 80.” It’s a bit depressing, but I get the grim gist of it. By 27, a lot of people give up on their dreams.
So, I’m trying to reframe my relationship to age. It is actually an amazing milestone that I’ve made it to 29, haven’t had the level of success I’d like yet, and I’m still sticking at it. Most people would have thrown in the towel by now.
So, here’s to the next year.
...Oh Lord, I don’t even want to think about what I’ll be like when I turn 30.